


Things that the Enterprise Crew are No Longer Allowed to Do

by DAsObiQuiet, kuroi_atropos



Series: Moving Old Works to AO3 [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crew as Family, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 21:37:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17733131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAsObiQuiet/pseuds/DAsObiQuiet, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroi_atropos/pseuds/kuroi_atropos
Summary: 50 Things that the Enterprise Crew are No Longer Allowed to Do





	1. Things that the Enterprise Crew are No Longer Allowed to Do

Begin Transmission: 

  1. Use the Ships transporters to cause your Fellow Crewmates to switch gender, it was a creative prank but the Rights Leagues are all upset over it.
  2. Use the Jefferies Tubes for Laser Tag and/or Paintball, I don't care if you call it combat training Kirk.
  3. Let their Chief Engineer anywhere near a transporter if it involves Archer's dogs.
  4. Tell primitive species that you are the Lollypop Guild and that you report to the Wizard of Oz while trying to track down the Evil Orion Slave Trader of the West
  5. The Crew did not get their positions by causing a mass orgy with the Admiralty, stop implying that.
  6. It is not funny to give tribbles to Klingons as consolation prizes if they lose a fight, not only do they kill the tribbles but it's bad for the talks afterwards.
  7. To Inform Starfleet Medical that your Vulcan First Officer has come down with Pon Farr and that it has infected your crew. We checked with Ambassador Serak, he's too young and it doesn't happen every three days.
  8. Set up your Computers to automatically send sound effects from old cartoons whenever certain Admirals call. Not only is it unprofessional, I can't get it out of my head.
  9. Enter into Negotiations with Ferrengis to try and sell Romulus. You don't own it.
  10. To use Federation funds to buy off rival gangs of Orion Slave Traders to knock each other off. Seriously, we have Intelligence Teams for that.
  11. Please do not tell Ambassadors from species hoping to join the Federation that if they don't know the uber-uber-secret handshake they're not really members.
  12. While I am impressed that you managed to find the Obsidian Orders Headquarters (and Intelligence wants to know how, by the way) the Cardassian Government did not appreciate you sending them take-out food there, even if the message was heartfelt.
  13. Please stop telling Academy Cadets that they can make Captain by saving an Admiral's life. We are tired of being 'rescued.'
  14. You are no longer allowed to time travel. At all.
  15. You are not allowed to use transporters to try and actually turn lead into gold, or lithium, or any other substance.
  16. We don't care if the Press are annoying, you are not allowed to threaten them with phasers set on kill. Or any other setting for that matter. Just don't.
  17. Priority One Distress calls are not to be used just to clear out star lanes in the rare occurrences that you run across traffic.
  18. You are not allowed to use the Enterprise as part of a lighting rig for a rave, I don't care if you say it was their new year and they had a power outage, it's a state of the art ship, not a disco ball. Now all the outlying planets want a ship to provide their lighting for celebrations.
  19. Ship's weapons are there as a defense and definitely not as a way to speed up negotiations.
  20. In regards to Rule #3 – this does include transporting cats into the middle of his kennel. Enough Scott!
  21. I don't care if he has helped save the world and is Russian, no alcohol until he's 18!
  22. You are not allowed to challenge other Starfleet ships to drag race.
  23. You are not allowed to sign contracts involving modeling or acting in anyway, you are all enlisted. Deal with it. No I do not care how much they were offering.
  24. You are not allowed to send out reports that the Admiralty might be hostile aliens in disguise unless they are.
  25. Even if you think the Klingons Uniforms need updating, you are not allowed to spam them with fashion magazines.
  26. And no, the thing with their foreheads is Classified, stop asking about it.
  27. You are not allowed to challenge other races Starships to drag race.
  28. I do not know how you managed to convince Ferrengi that Starfleet Admirals could be bought with assorted Cheeses. You will put a stop to it. Now.
  29. You are not allowed to use your ships phasers to create line art on inhabited or uninhabited worlds. I don't care how creative they are.
  30. The same for using thrusters to create crop circles.
  31. You are not allowed to send samples of the weird behavior alternating substances you find to people that annoy you in hopes it will 'chill them out.' That could probably be considered a crime.
  32. To tell the press that you're too busy preventing a war to take their calls. They take you seriously and we are tired of dealing with the fallout.
  33. You do not have the authority to start up inter fleet war games.
  34. Just because you are interested in learning how to use a batlith does not give you reason to start up a Klingon Cultural Exchange Program.
  35. Just what was it that you took from the Romulans to cause them to be that upset? (Please turn it over to Intelligence.)
  36. What is it with you people and races, and no, I do not care if they challenged you this time no more races!
  37. Please stop trying to convince Cadets that their Instructors hide test results in their underwear drawers.
  38. I do not care if you ship's replicators were malfunctioning and you were out of coffee. You are not allowed to conduct pirate raids on Starbases.
  39. We do not appreciate your reports being sent in **L337 $P34| <. **
  40. **Or in Pig Latin.**
  41. **Or in any language except properly coded standard.**
  42. Kirk, I get that you want to be a good Captain but that does not include granting leave because someone's kid's pet rabbit died.
  43. Teletubbies are not real and they are not a galaxy-wide threat.
  44. Do I want to know?
  45. I said no more races. That includes 'Performance Tests.'
  46. You are not going to run into the Black Plague, and if you did your ship has state of art replicators. Tell Dr. McCoy to stop putting in requests for the cure.
  47. Why exactly do you need a nuclear vessel? And will you please have your Navigator stop calling in the requests?
  48. Please Inform your communication officer that Jitter is not a language and ask her who put her up to it? (And please let us know what they used to bribe her with?)
  49. We know space is boring, you are not allowed to complain about your classified missions on your holotwitter.
  50. To try and drive your Ship's Counselor insane. This is the fourth one.



 

End Transmission


	2. Formulating Rebuttals to Maintain Our Situational Response Flexibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to "Things that the Enterprise Crew are No Longer Allowed to Do." Captain Kirk is determined to get several of the rules against his crew revoked.

To: DL-Enterprise-Senior-Staff

From: Captain Kirk

Subject: Formulating Rebuttals to Maintain Our Situational Response Flexibility

 

Alright everyone, you all watched the transmission from the Admirals. I've placed my primary arguments to their list first, everyone put down yours too. We need to fight this list! It is completely discriminatory! Seriously none of the other ships were put on restriction! Add yours after your name and pass it on, Cupcake, get it back to me thanks!

Spock: I am compelled to point out that you will want to consult with us on your opening arguments as well.

Uhura: I personally find it abhorrent that the Admiralty would single us out.

Bones: This is not going to end well…

Scotty: Aye! You've got the right of it Laddie! Let's give them what for!

Sulu:  Alright!

Chekov: Half of these are about me! And they completely disregard the fact that some of the situations involved completely helped us advance multiple fields of science!

Cupcake: As I have mentioned multiple times Captain, I hate that nickname and while I can't stop you from using it when we are off duty, I can in fact refuse to answer any official or semi-official paperwork utilizing this moniker.  It's Lt. Commander Giotto.

 

  1. Use the Ships transporters to cause your Fellow Crewmates to switch gender, it was a creative prank but the Rights Leagues are all upset over it.



 

Kirk: It allowed us push the range of what the technology was capable of achieving and modify the results to further additional applications of it to other medical fields.

Spock: I have no comment on this.

Uhura: It taught the crew member in question a solid lesson on respecting the rights of Female Officers and an appreciation of just how much more difficult it is to complete certain portions of one's job if you are wearing a miniskirt.

Bones: Those things are a menace! Completely! All those fail-safes mean nothing if they are messed with and there's nothing to prevent our very atoms from being rearranged!

Scotty: It was right funny, it was! The photos we have of when he switched back are priceless!

Sulu: No comment.

Chekov: Agreed.

Cupcake:

  1. Use the Jefferies Tubes for Laser Tag and/or Paintball, I don't care if you call it combat training Kirk.  




Kirk: It allows us to practice maneuvering through the ship's infrastructure in a simulated combat experience which will aid us greatly in the instance we are ever boarded and have to carry out a firefight.

Spock: It is only logical to provide as many simulated experiences for the crew as possible so that if a similar action occurs it they have a basis for reaction.

Uhura: It allows the crew stress relief and a way to work out minor differences before they can escalate.

Bones: I agree with the Admirals, do you know how many injuries I had to treat because of that bout of impulsive stupidity?

Scotty: They almost ruined my still!

Sulu: My team needs retribution against Security! If they don't let us do this I am so buzzing their houses with a shuttle next time we are near Earth.

Chekov: I had just worked out all the math for the flanking maneuvers!

Cupcake: Sulu you will be pawned again, and it really is good training for my guys.

  1. Let their Chief Engineer anywhere near a transporter if it involves Archer's dogs.  




Kirk: It was an attempt to rectify a previous mistake.

Spock: It was an interesting application of trans-warp beaming.

Uhura: Subspace took ages to right itself again.

Bones: This is one of those things I'm glad I don't understand.

Scotty: No (auto-edited for content) way (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) beagle loving (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) tell me what to (auto-edited for content) do with my experiments!!

Sulu: That was some fun maneuvering!

Chekov: I've already come up with the alternations to the equations based on the new data!

Cupcake:

  1. Tell primitive species that you are the Lollypop Guild and that you report to the Wizard of Oz while trying to track down the Evil Orion Slave Trader of the West.  




Kirk: We weren't allowed to tell Kiree we were Starfleet!

Spock: I found it illogical that we interacted with that species in the first place. Such a ludicrous cover would not have been needed had you heeded my warning about the rocks.

Uhura: You have no idea how many responses I had to field for that report…

Bones:  At least you didn't say you were the Three Mouseketeers.

Scotty: I had been wondering why you'd all come back in war paint with new bows and arrows!

Sulu: Hey! It worked!

Chekov: Hikaru looked hilarious in pink paint!

Cupcake:

  1. The Crew did not get their positions by causing a mass orgy with the Admiralty, stop implying that.  




Kirk: Okay, this one wasn't me. Not sure of a reply to it either…

Spock: We can hardly be responsible for any false assumptions induced by parties conversing with us or overhearing our conversations.

Uhura: See what they think of their communication networks by the time I am done with them…

Bones: We're not whores. I say we sue them.

Scotty: As if our lady would accept the likes of a crew like that!

Sulu: We just have mad skills!

Chekov: So there may have been an offhand joke to my Older Brother… I will make him regret this when we are back on Earth, Captain.

Cupcake:

  1. It is not funny to give tribbles to Klingons as consolation prizes if they lose a fight, not only do they kill the tribbles but it's bad for the talks afterwards.  




Kirk: I thought that they would enjoy the cuteness! How was I supposed to know they were enemies of the Empire!

Spock: You could have researched it.

Uhura: I thought it was kind of interesting, learned quite a few new words.

Bones: You did what?!

Scotty: Those poor Tribbles. Good thing they breed so quickly! Probably buried the Klingons!

Sulu: I was laughing for weeks!

Chekov: I still can't believe they're scared of Tribbles!

Cupcake:

  1. To Inform Starfleet Medical that your Vulcan First Officer has come down with Pon Farr and that it has infected your crew. We checked with Ambassador Serak, he's too young and it doesn't happen every three days.  




Kirk: Um… Oops?

Spock: …

Uhura: I don't even want to think about that. Ow.

Bones: Jim…

Scotty: Nice try laddie.

Sulu: What's Pon Farr?

Chekov: I want to know as well.

Cupcake: Is it something I need to plan around?

  1. Set up your Computers to automatically send sound effects from old cartoons whenever certain Admirals call. Not only is it unprofessional, I can't get it out of my head.  




Kirk: I really need help on this one cause that was kind of the point…

Spock: I found it interesting to try and find enough unique, high quality sound bites for each Admiral.

Uhura: Do you know how tough it was to make subspace recognize the frequency for each Admiral's codes?

Bones: Please tell me it wasn't the Jigglypuff song.

Scotty:  Cracking that programming sequence was one right bit o' genius there!

Sulu: Dude, I still say Nogura needed the theme song from Sailor Moon.

Chekov: I'm just happy I won and we gave Peters Power Rangers!

Cupcake: I will not stop their Black Ops teams.

  1. Enter into Negotiations with Ferrengis to try and sell Romulus. You don't own it.  




Kirk:  Yeah but we should, they needed to pay us back for Vulcan somehow…

Spock: It caused them several weeks of highly distracting negotiations with each other therefore opening up several opportunities for our Intelligence Teams to improve their positions.

Uhura: It wasn't like they figured out it was us! I encrypted that perfectly! (Speaking of, how did THE ADMIRALS find out?)

Bones: I still don't want to talk about the surgeries… finding ways to fake that much cartilage was enough to drive me to drink!

Scotty: Ye' already do Doc…

Sulu: Dude, we needed practice at undercover missions!

Chekov: I do not want to try and mask our signature as a Ferrengi one again, their math is too cold.

Cupcake: That doesn't make sense, Chekov…

  1. To use Federation funds to buy off rival gangs of Orion Slave Traders to knock each other off. Seriously, we have Intelligence Teams for that.  




Kirk: They were busy with the afore mentioned 'Sell Romulus Plot!'

Spock: Very well, we shall use our own allocations in the future.

Uhura: Hah! It's in writing! No take backs Spock!

Bones: Those funds wouldn't happen to be from more of those side projects all you nuts are constantly working on, would they?

Scotty: Our equipment is 10 times better than intelligences (with my modifications of course).  We did a right good job with getting the funds from them too!

Sulu: Bones, we need to come up with arguments we can actually give the Admirals. 

Chekov: I am NEVER playing a slave AGAIN!  EVER!

Cupcake: I will point out that the Intelligence Teams weren't as good at that as we were.

  1. Please do not tell Ambassadors from species hoping to join the Federation that if they don't know the uber-uber-secret handshake they're not really members.  




Kirk: Fine, fine.  We'll just make sure it's the ultimately secret password instead. >:D

Spock:  As the son of an ambassador, I am compelled to point out the inordinate amount of hours that are involved in arranging a new culture's integration into the Federation.  Adding even more hours for such a reason is, as you humans would say, downright rude.

Uhura: Seriously, Kirk, no passwords.  Translations are hard enough without words you made up while drinking with Bones and Scotty.

Bones:  Jim, I wasn't actually expecting you to use those!

Scotty:  Passwords!  Much better idea, captain!

Sulu: I want in!  When do you guys go drinking?!

Chekov: I want in too!  As a Russian, I can say that I will drink you all under the table!

Cupcake: Ensign Chekov, you are still under age.  I will NOT allow that to happen on this ship.

  1. While I am impressed that you managed to find the Obsidian Orders Headquarters (and Intelligence wants to know how, by the way) the Cardassian Government did not appreciate you sending them take-out food there, even if the message was heartfelt.  




Kirk: I wish I could say how we found that…but I really don't remember.  What was that you had us drinking, Scotty?

Spock:  I wish I could assist, but they managed to slip some chocolate into my beverage, so I do not recall these events either.  This will not happen again.

Uhura: Says who?

Bones: I had to come up with a completely new hangover reliever for a hybrid Vulcan/human…I don't think that existed before. 

Scotty: I plead the fifth. 

Sulu: Scotty, I don't think the "fifth" works anymore.  The Bill of Rights stopped being active centuries ago.  I think you might want to look up 1.5674 of the Federation Charter.  It might help you out.

Chekov: I'm with Scotty.  I like my job…most of the time.

Cupcake:  See.  I told you we were better than the intelligence teams.

  1. Please stop telling Academy Cadets that they can make Captain by saving an Admiral's life. We are tired of being 'rescued.'  




Kirk:  The only thing I said was that it worked for me.

Spock:  If the Admirals would desist in allowing themselves to be tricked into these false catastrophes, then cadets would be too discouraged to mount full rescue operations.

Uhura:  I want it to stop too.  Do you have any idea how many times I've been tapped to supply fake intel reports in multiple languages?

Bones:  Really Jim, how would you feel if we told the crew that they will gain at least a rank for saving a Captain…

Scotty: As long as ya leave engeneerin' out of it, Bones.  It's hard enough keepin my people on task as it is.

Sulu:  It's good training.

Chekov: Anyone at the Academy who succeeds should get the next transfer in!  The sooner I'm not the youngest, the better!

Cupcake: Dr. McCoy, if you make my job any harder than it is, believe me I will return the favor tenfold.

  1. You are no longer allowed to time travel. At all.  




Kirk:  It's not like we WANTED to.  Besides, seeing how fat I become has encouraged me to actually listen to Bone's dietary recommendations.

Spock:  I have begun an ongoing analysis of all special and temporal forces we encounter to try and determine the precise cause of the inordinate amount of anomalies that occur to this crew.  So far, the majority of my findings revolve around you, Captain.  

Uhura:  Kirk, that doesn't mean the universe revolves around you.

Bones:  I knew it was all Kirks fault.

Scotty:  Oh, so you noticed that too, Spock?  We should compare notes later.

Sulu:  We should have a study group about how this effects our jobs.

Chekov:  I call it "the Kirk Force".  I'll forward my notes as well.  

Cupcake:  You will tell me if this force can be used in any way to predict the next disaster that that walking, talking humanoid typhoon will get us into.

  1. You are not allowed to use transporters to try and actually turn lead into gold, or lithium, or any other substance.  




Kirk:  You guys are the ones that wanted us to find alternate funding sources.

Spock:  The Admirals stated we cannot use Federation funds, and now they have simply added one more restriction.  We will undoubtedly find additional methods to gather resources.

Uhura:  You guys actually went through with that?

Bones:  Yet another project gone bust. 

Scotty:  But I almost had that one figured out.

Sulu:  Dang.  I had all of our Alchemy names picked out.

Chekov:  Mine better not have been anything to do with "cute", "short" or "adorable".

Cupcake:

  1. We don't care if the Press are annoying, you are not allowed to threaten them with phasers set on kill. Or any other setting for that matter. Just don't.  




Kirk:  Well you guys got so mad when I punched that one…

Spock:  They completely disregard the personal space required by a touch telepath.  By law, one cannot be held accountable for actions taken in self defense.

Uhura:  One of them tried to grope me.  What did you expect?

Bones:  There's a reason I go straight from Ship to Bar whenever we're in port.

Scotty:  Why would I ever want to leave my lady?

Sulu:  Captain gets all the attention anyway.

Chekov:  I'm too nice to actually threaten them unless I mean to shoot them, so I just let Hikaru do it for me.

Cupcake:  Do you know how much of a security breach the press poses every time they try to bug us?

  1. Priority One Distress calls are not to be used just to clear out star lanes in the rare occurrences that you run across traffic.  




Kirk: We have a state of the art engine, it is completely wasted going at half impulse power while waiting for garbage barges to pass.

Spock: While I understand the difficulties involved in managing non-emergency situations for those of the crew with personalities that thrive on adrenaline based situations, I find myself agreeing with Starfleet Command based on the inherent severity implied in the Priority One Distress protocol. We should provide training on handling circumstances that do not require creative uses of our ship's capabilities.

Uhura: The fewer gossip channels I have to sort out the better.

Bones: Considering the fact that Priority One Distress calls can be used to help out in Medical worst cases as well as Military I support the Admiralty in this.

Scotty: On the fence on this one laddie. I don' like taxin' the engines bu' impluse is pretty wearing on some o' the other systems. Wan' me to work up a cost benefit ratio?

Sulu: If they make me drive in traffic they really will need to be rescued.

Chekov: Less navigation hassles if there is less objects in our way.

Cupcake: Okay, essentially you guys get twitchy if you have to sit still long enough, the less time that we are around non-crew while this occurs the lowers the possibility that I will have to pull you away from pissing matches.

  1. You are not allowed to use the Enterprise as part of a lighting rig for a rave, I don't care if you say it was their new year and they had a power outage, it's a state of the art ship, not a disco ball. Now all the outlying planets want a ship to provide their lighting for celebrations.  




Kirk:  We used what we had.  I thought it was rather resourceful.

Spock:  Under the circumstances, I believe the captain made the correct decision.

Uhura:  Just be grateful the Captain couldn't hear most of what they said that night.  His ego would have skyrocketed.

Bones:  That was one (auto-edited for content) of a party.

Scotty:  I agree.

Sulu: Seconded.

Chekov: Thirded.

Cupcake:  I have two words for you:  Security Nightmare. 

  1. Ship's weapons are there as a defense and definitely not as a way to speed up negotiations.  




Kirk: Have you ever sat across the negotiating table from a Ferrengi?

Spock: An inspired method for dealing with particularly tricky cultural differences in a highly charged situation. The Ferrengi had made several derogatory comments in regards to altering the appearance of valuable members of the crew, especially Lt. Uhura.

Uhura: They said I should have been naked! They said that females should (auto-edited for content; redundancy filters found (58) instances of similar phrases in the removed section amounting to "pig-headed chauvinists")!

Bones: No lecherous (auto-edited for content) ever deserved it more.

Scotty: They tried to buy our Lady! 

Sulu: Seriously, haven't been happier to lock onto a target since Nero.

Chekov:  Agreed.

Cupcake: No Argument.

  1. In regards to Rule #3 – this does include transporting cats into the middle of his kennel. Enough Scott!  




Kirk: You really did that Scotty?

Spock: It seems illogical to cause a feline such distress to merely gain an emotional response from an Admiral.

Uhura: Scott if you hurt that cat you better never poke that head of yours out of Engineering.

Bones: I need a drink.

Scotty: It wasna' me! Tis no' my fault if the Advanced Engineering classes I spoke to decided ta ge' creative! 

Sulu: My cousin was in that class.

Chekov: I downloaded the video transcripts.

Cupcake: I am not saving you if he sends someone to assassinate you.

  1. I don't care if he has helped save the world and is Russian, no alcohol until he's 18!  




Kirk: He is still a member of the Russian Federation and as such is bound by their laws regarding the consumption of restricted substances.

Spock: Still, if he is a member of Starfleet he is held to the Federation Standard, which does state he must be 18 years old before consuming fermented beverages.

Uhura: If he can handle it, he can drink it. Besides, he's at least a polite drunk unlike some.

Bones: Alcohol can have a detrimental effect on growing minds.

Scotty: He can see over the bar, canna' he?

Sulu: I'm with Uhura, if he can handle it, he can drink it.

Chekov: I CAN handle it. I learned to drink properly from my Father, thank you!

Cupcake: I thought we went over this Chekov. I know that you handle your liqueur, but it's regulations that you can't drink for another couple of months.  

  1. You are not allowed to challenge other Starfleet ships to drag race.  




Kirk: They said our Lady was all polish and no substance!

Spock: I will refrain from commenting.

Uhura: Do you know how hard it was to clear the Starlanes for that? And seriously Spock, you were just as perturbed as we were at their "opinions" of our competency.

Bones: I still can't believe we cleared that run in less than 5 minutes.

Scotty: I can.

Sulu: Don't diss mine and Chekov's mad driving skillz!

Chekov: We left them in the spacedust!

Cupcake: Way too cheesy kid…

  1. You are not allowed to sign contracts involving modeling or acting in anyway, you are all enlisted. Deal with it. No I do not care how much they were offering.  




Kirk: So we're only supposed to look pretty on posters and in vids for you guys?

Spock: I do not 'look pretty.'

Uhura: I punched the agent out! Did you hear how he wanted me to pose!

Bones: Seriously Jim, your sarcasm is showing, and you all did turn him down eventually. Not our fault the press caught wind of it.

Scotty: So that's why you were all in such a tizzy after Argos!

Sulu: I can't believe he wanted me to pose on the Consul!

Chekov: For this, I will accept I am underage,  although it would have been fun seeing him face my Mother!

Cupcake: I have to be the only Security Chief in the fleet that has to deal with this.

  1. You are not allowed to send out reports that the Admiralty might be hostile aliens in disguise unless they are.  




Kirk: It gives the response teams situational experience?

Spock: I believe the Human idiom involving wolves applies here.

Uhura: Designing those fake signals was an interesting challenge that made us think outside of the box for detection patterns.

Bones: I do not want to remember those discussions, thank you.

Scotty: The shots from the Security vids of when they tried to take down Archer were hilarious!

Sulu: They shouldn't have made us sit at space dock for so long, we had to do something to try and break out!

Chekov: I don't think I'll mention how easy it was to get people to believe us.

Cupcake: ….. I hate you all sometimes.

  1. Even if you think the Klingons Uniforms need updating, you are not allowed to spam them with fashion magazines.  




Kirk: Would it be more conducive to our relations if they learned we were laughing every time that we went up against them?

Spock:  I must agree to your point, Captain.

Uhura: Two words: Gold Lamee.

Bones: Oh come off it. Your off duty clothes (especially the club get-ups) are ten times worse, Jim!

Scotty: Don't really care, their ships are garbage scows!

Sulu: Dude, it's like a bad disco flashback night!

Chekov: It hurts to look at them!

Cupcake:

  1. And no, the thing with their foreheads is Classified, stop asking about it.  




Kirk: Dude, I am obsessed with all things Enterprise! I know that it involved Archer's Crew and I want the dang thing Unclassified!

Spock: We could always utilize alternate methods to find the information if it bothers you that much, Captain.

Uhura: Lobsters or not, their fashion sense still needs help.

Bones: Probably a DNA mutagen or something… I could run some sequences… WHEN I HAVE FIVE MINUTES YOU AREN'T IN HERE INJURED FROM SOMETHING STUPID!

Scotty: Still don't care.

Sulu: I wonder if it effects their eyesight…

Chekov: I wonder if it effects their brains?

Cupcake:

  1. You are not allowed to challenge other races Starships to drag race.  




Kirk: But it was that or we actually would've fought the Klingons! Which were we supposed to do to uphold Starfleet's Honor?

Spock: Maintain a higher moral ground and desist from taking any action?

Uhura: Yeah right.

Bones: I vote with the Hobgoblin!

Scotty: We showed those right (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) just how much of a "showy piece of junk" our Enterprise is!

Sulu: Dude, they said me and Chekov weren't old enough to handle a bicycle let alone a ship!

Chekov: We could out fly them hungover!

Cupcake: No hangovers until you're eighteen, Chekov!

  1. I do not know how you managed to convince Ferrengi that Starfleet Admirals could be bought with assorted Cheeses. You will put a stop to it. Now.  




Kirk: Wow… I wasn't expecting that to work.

Spock: Your ill thought, illogical plans do work 89.456982 percent of the time, Captain. It makes little rational sense.

Uhura: If they have too many, they're more then welcome to send them to us, replicated food gets old fast.

Bones: Do you have any idea what that much dairy will do to your system! You may as well contract Todarian Worms!

Scotty: I agree with Uhura! Send us some good sandwich cheeses!

Sulu: Wasn't that my idea?

Chekov: I can't remember… I was too busy trying to keep their hackers from the computers.

Cupcake: Oh don't remind me, Chekov! Seriously Kirk, that was one hair brained scheme that couldn't have had better timing.

  1. You are not allowed to use your ships phasers to create line art on inhabited or uninhabited worlds. I don't care how creative they are.  




Kirk: It's the latest fad! Hadn't you heard, even the Cardassians are doing it!

Spock: As even you brought up, the planet was uninhabited, we needed to test the phasers, and we did stop them from using their names.

Uhura: Those pictures are going for fortunes on eBay.

Bones: I have no idea how you managed the precision for the one of Starfleet's Emblem. Not to mention the Zephram Cochrane…

Scotty: All those calculations took ages! Right lads!?

Sulu: All hail the Engineer!

Chekov: Yay!

Cupcake: We had to know what our weapon systems were capable of!

  1. The same for using thrusters to create crop circles.  




Kirk: But it was my High School Reunion! I had to!

Spock: I was on leave.

Uhura: So was I, dang it…

Bones: I can't believe you got them to agree to that!

Scotty: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Sulu: Scotty, I agree but are you okay? (BTW, mine is next month….)

Chekov: I had fun with the designs! I took several references from unsolved Russian Crop Circles!

Cupcake: I was on leave too. Thank goodness.

  1. You are not allowed to send samples of the weird behavior altering substances you find to people that annoy you in hopes it will 'chill them out.' That could probably be considered a crime.  




Kirk: Depends on what era.

Spock:  I have attached a file with information and the full list of laws it does break, Captain.  Please desist.

Uhura: Dang it.

Bones: Do you know how many allergic reactions you could have caused? 

Scotty: We hadn't sent one to Archer yet, Commander!

Sulu: At least we got the Commandant…

Chekov: Scotty, they don't have to know we sent it!

Cupcake: I am not allowing you guys to cause any more nightmares for any other Security Details!

  1. To tell the press that you're too busy preventing a war to take their calls. They take you seriously and we are tired of dealing with the fallout.  




Kirk: Spock! Didn't I say to you right after I said that that I was joking!

Spock: You stated such after we had already beamed away from the Press Conference.

Uhura: The backlog, oh my God the backlog….

Bones: Their comments even made it to my inbox!

Scotty: I can probably filter those…

Sulu: We could always bribe some of our friends to cause some sort of issue we'd have to "handle."

Chekov: I want to plot against the press! Please Captain!?

Cupcake: …

  1. You do not have the authority to start up inter fleet war games.  




Kirk: Captain what's-his-face said we were upstart brats that didn't deserve our ranks or our positions and that we couldn't plan out any type of strategic conflict worth a (auto-edited for content).  He's only mad 'cause we won.

Spock:  It was illogical on their part to assume that mere luck is what allowed us to acquire our positions.  It was a benefit to Star Fleet to educate them on their flawed thought process. 

Uhura: That (auto-edited for content) deserved it.

Bones: I can't believe I actually agree with all of you…

Scotty:  We trounced their (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) and furthermore, (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content) (auto-edited for content)!

Sulu: Hey, they diss the crew, they get what they deserve.

Chekov:  The maneuver that won was my idea. 

Cupcake: Besides, if we can break in that easily to the supposedly private network, the security obviously needs an upgrade.

  1. Just because you are interested in learning how to use a bat'leth does not give you reason to start up a Klingon Cultural Exchange Program.  




Kirk: Not only do we foster interspecies goodwill and stuff like that, but in the chance that it all blows up in our faces we'll have a much better understanding of their military mindset.

Spock: I believe the Human euphemism is "the enemy of my enemy is my friend."

Uhura: While we have a basic understanding of Klingon dialect and culture, an Exchange Program will allow us to further enhance our comprehension of not just their language but their civilization.

Bones: At least when you idiots are trying to kill yourselves while learning to use those overdone methods of compensation you're on the ship within easy range of Medical.

Scotty: They called our lady a garbage scow!

Sulu: More swords! Did you see the collection Koloth had!

Chekov: If Sulu is busy learning those techniques he isn't trying to make me learn kendo.

Cupcake: I have to say I agree with the Admirals, just because we might end up on the same side against the Romulans doesn't mean we want them learning all of our secrets.  It works both ways, Kirk.

  1. Just what was it that you took from the Romulans to cause them to be that upset? (Please turn it over to Intelligence.)  




Kirk: It really is just a painting and I'd rather not turn it over, it looks really good on my wall.

Spock: It is an item of cultural import and is thus demoralizing to the Romulans to have lost it, along with the thought of destroying it if they fire on us. This will undoubtedly give us an advantage in battle.

Uhura: I still can't believe you did that, Kirk.

Bones: Considering how many holes she put in you, one would hope you got something out of it.

Scotty: I still say we should hang it in the Rec Room. It is rather striking.

Sulu: Seriously, they didn't expect us to just sneak in and out did they?

Chekov: It looks like a knockoff of Ivan Shishkin, I still don't see why you grabbed it.

Cupcake: If I have to pull you out of bed naked again Kirk I think I'm going to puke. And I still want to know why instead of grabbing a blanket you grabbed the painting.

  1. What is it with you people and races, and no, I do not care if they challenged you this time no more races!  




Kirk:  What?  You expected us to just let them win and up show the _entire_ federation?

Spock:  Captain, I believe this is one of those instances when the human phrase "I told you so" comes into effect.

Uhura: I think they should give me and Be'kala a reward for managing to redirect half the fleets so you and Kor could pull that stunt.

Bones: So _that_ was why we braked so hard that time…JIM!

Scotty: They said their rusty piece of (auto-edited for content) could outrun our lady!  No' happenin'!

Sulu: But it was fun.

Chekov: WOOT!

Cupcake: Help? 

  1. Please stop trying to convince Cadets that their Instructors hide test results in their underwear drawers.  




Kirk: Really, I was only joking! How was I supposed to know they'd take me seriously?

Spock: Their quarters should be far more difficult to access, especially to a cadet.

Uhura: Don't think I don't know the real reason why you guys cooked that up.

Bones: ….

Scotty: Seein' some of the methods the Engineering Corps cadets 'ave come up with to try ta get into those is absolutely inspirin'!

Sulu: At least we know which Cadets are fit to be on the Enterprise!

Chekov: In old Russia that would qualify as a rite of passage!

Cupcake: PLEASE?

  1. I do not care if your ship's replicators were malfunctioning and you were out of coffee. You are not allowed to conduct pirate raids on Starbases.  




Kirk: Hey Bones, think we should even bring up that time I was dared to give up caffeine for  Lent?

Spock:  I still fail to fully comprehend why the majority of the human race agrees to go through life addicted to that chemical.

Uhura: I might not have approved of the method, but that first sip of my mocha was worth it.

Bones: NONONONONONONONO!!! And again No! Tell the Admirals off, Jim!

Scotty: Starfleet should appreciate the skills of our teams that pulled that off and increase they're slacked off training and security for the rest of the sorry lot of fools!

Sulu: Have you ever tried to navigate an asteroid belt without stimulants?  This is a Galaxy Class Star Ship.  With the utmost respect I ask, do you _really_ want us to try?

Chekov: What Sulu said.

Cupcake: I'll admit that it was way easier than I thought it would be…

  1. We do not appreciate your reports being sent in L337 $P34|. PLUS 40. Or in Pig Latin. PLUS 41. Or in any language except properly coded standard.  




Kirk:  Whoa…they actually tried Pig Latin?

Spock:  Forgive my assumption that the captain had  actually reviewed any of the reports you are referring to.  I will ensure he has done so in the future, Pig Latin or otherwise. 

Uhura:  It was an accomplishment to translate Romulan _directly_ into Pig Latin, although L337 is rather difficult as well.

Bones:  Why am I not surprised?

Scotty:  I couldn't agree more!  L337 is a fake, old-fashioned pain in the (auto-edited for content).  I've told them we have to use .. .=.-=- .--!

Sulu:  But we were going to use Japanese next!

Chekov:  Wait!  I thought we'd agreed on Russian!

Cupcake:  How old are you guys?  Really?

  1. Kirk, I get that you want to be a good Captain but that does not include granting leave because someone's kid's pet rabbit died.  




Kirk: But you should have seen the look on his face when he asked!

Spock:  I'm afraid I must concur with the Admiralty, Captain.

Uhura:  The officer who asked was nothing.  You should have seen the look on the poor kid's face when he called his dad. 

Bones: If Joanna ever goes through anything similar, you'd BETTER let me off Kirk…  One word: hypospray.

Scotty:  Awwwwwwwww!

Sulu: Ph33r the doctor.

Chekov: Rabbits are extremely important to that person's culture!  I don't care if he was from a human colony.

Cupcake: …

  1. Teletubbies are not real and they are not a galaxy-wide threat.  




Kirk:  I _refuse_ to believe that!

Spock: I believe I may have to concur with the Captain on this point.

Uhura: Nothing that, smiley, can't not be evil.

Bones:  Do you know how many centuries it's been since that show was created?  And they're _still_ corrupting our children!  If you don't believe me, you can watch my daughter next time.

Scotty: Tele-what?  What are those?  Do I want to know?

Sulu:  No.

Chekov:  Они зло! Зла я вам говорю! Они должны умереть!

Cupcake:  …I will make a note to make sure none of the staff have access to deadly weaponry after this.

  1. Do I want to know?  




Kirk: Anyone know what this one was for?

Spock: No I do not, Captain.

Uhura: No.

Bones: Don't care.

Scotty: Probably something about our experiment with bouncing the graviton particle beam off of the main reflector dish…

Sulu: Um…

Chekov: Can I help with that Scotty?

Cupcake: Migraine.

  1. I said no more races. That includes 'Performance Tests.'  




Kirk: We have had a major systems overhaul in the last three weeks so that test was absolutely necessary.

Spock:  It was an interesting experimentation of trans-warp shielding in relation to the friction of spatial objects and the Enterprise, and I assure you completely necessary.

Uhura: I was afraid they'd brake the ship.

Bones: Me too.

Scotty: But I just upgraded the system!

Sulu: But Scotty just put in new upgrades!

Chekov: But Scotty just put in new upgrades!

Cupcake: New trans-warp shielding makes my job all that much easier (This doesn't mean I agree with you, Kirk!). 

  1. You are not going to run into the Black Plague, and if you did your ship has state of art replicators. Tell Dr. McCoy to stop putting in requests for the cure.  




Kirk: A somewhat content doctor = me not dying.  I like this simple mathematical equation.

Spock: I would like to point out the afore mentioned replicator failure, although I must agree that some requests are rather far-fetched applications of the Doctor's imagination.

Uhura:  No more red tape, please.

Bones:  Fine.  But when you're all lying on your death beds I reserve the right to gloat.  And my imagination is not that far-fetched you (auto-edited for content)!

Scotty:  Whatever Dr. McCoy wants is usually good fer the Lady. 

Sulu:  I was a Boy Scout.  I would rather be prepared, thank you.

Chekov: Why not give the Doctor whatever he wants?

Cupcake: With all due respect, sirs, have you read the reports of what we actually run into out here?

  1. Why exactly do you need a nuclear vessel? And will you please have your Navigator stop calling in the requests?  




Kirk:  Hey Pike, remember that thing…that is classified…from the Narada incident?  That's why.

Spock:  I really could put in the request, captain.

Uhura:  I'm working on a program to upgrade the translation system so speech impediments and accents will no longer be a problem.

Bones: You guys have been asking for what?!

Scotty:  But it's so much more amusin' when Chekov does it.

Sulu:  Lay off, everyone.

Chekov: Я ненавижу вас всех.  Except you Sulu.

Cupcake:   Sulu, you hypocrite.

  1. Please Inform your communication officer that Jitter is not a language and ask her who put her up to it? (And please let us know what they used to bribe her with?)  




Kirk: I cannot believe you would possibly think that anyone from my crew would give into bribery!  And I wouldn't tell you anyway.

Spock:  I would also like to know who and what…

Uhura: I refuse to comment.

Bones: Now THAT'S an accomplishment.

Scotty: Really?  Impressive.

Sulu: Uh oh…they made the Vulcan mad…

Chekov: So that's why the request for…oh, right.

Cupcake: …

  1. We know space is boring, you are not allowed to complain about your classified missions on your Holotwitter.  




Kirk: I never should have added Pike…

Spock: The Captain did elicit my aid in improving the security of his Holotwitter, and indeed has to add an individual to his Friends list before they would have access to any of his communications. His Friends list, aside from his Brother who never logs on, all have the appropriate Security clearance.

Uhura: Helping with the encryption algorithms was actually rather fun.

Bones:  I don't see why you're complaining.  He'll probably update it faster than his reports.

Scotty: Holotwitter; another ancient, useless concept.

Sulu:  Woot!  I'm on the captains friends list!

Chekov: Me too!

Cupcake: Do you even begin to understand the danger that puts this ship in by even connecting to the galaxy wide web from a _secure system_?!  I see yet another security upgrade in the near future.  Joy.

  1. To try and drive your Ship's Counselor insane. This is the fourth one in just as many months.



 

Kirk: I thought they left because of other vocational opportunities.

Spock: If they were not mentally stable enough to handle the stress of their positions better they move to other postings then cause further trouble on our ship.

Uhura:  I liked that last one.  She was nice…until she tried to (auto-edited for content)

Bones:  Please send another one soon.  When we don't have a councilor, everyone seems to think I will do.  I am NOT a councilor.

Scotty: (auto-edited for content) straight.

Sulu: No he's not.

Chekov:  I still have nightmares from the last time I "talked" to Dr. McCoy.

Cupcake: I am tired of running the security clearances.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Have been going through and consolidating old fics and transferred this one from [FF.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557031/1/Things-the-Crew-Can-No-Longer-Do)... I hope it is still worth a giggle! :)


End file.
